A “Clam”

My good friend from high school talked to me today and we talked a little bit, and I made a joke about my conservative ideas about myself and how I don’t party like normal freshman. His exact words “It’s college what did you expect” Then he went on to call me a “clam” because I never open up to anyone. Of which I said sure I do. Then I listed off Sean, and Margie. And then my list stopped. He’s right I don’t open up.

If I could I’d tell you my entire story. From start to finish everyday. I’d say something like.

I was assaulted in high school. I stayed up for nights on end with insomnia, but it wasn’t even that; it was my fear of dreams so I’d fight sleep with every ounce of my body. I’d shake at the sight of my ex boyfriend. I mean shake. I’d go days without eating because if I ate, I’d puke. So then, I went days puking on end. It was really sad when my dentist noticed the decay on my teeth. I told her I had the flu. I hid from everyone, because it seemed so obvious, and yet no one knew. I longed for someone to take me away from every hurt, every fear, and him specifically and then Sean came around and he did do that. Then. He left me. Worse or better off I still haven’t decided.

Or maybe I’d say something like a text book.

I was molested in high school. My boyfriend didn’t understand the word no, and I was severely depressed because of a loss in the family. He would touch me and my body used every defense mechanism it could think of except that vocal chord that knows how to yell. He took away most of my life and I’ve been fighting to get it back soon. He was a “good guy” according to my friends and that part hurt the most. Then because being “single is a curse” my friends hooked us back together. My sentence continued. They blame themselves, or him. Me? I just blame myself.

Or sometimes when I’m really sad I just want to say things like.

I’m broken. Totally broken. Don‘t love me! Don’t touch me– You’ll get this. It’s contagious this hurt everywhere. It’s an ache in your heart and a burn on your skin. It’s a disease everyone talks about and you’ll laugh too, but inside your heart clenches and you have to count the beats. Save yourself and quarantine me because what i’ve got you don’t want to catch.

Then when that gets too much I switch.

Love me. Please for the love of all that is holy someone show me the things I missed. Pull my hair back. Kiss my forehead. Stroke my arm. Hold me tight when I’m scared. Hate the S.O.B because clearly I can’t. Give me strength because today I don’t have it. Today I’m going to hide under the covers and you’re going to let me stay and bring me a note with a poptart for lunch that says “Please eat beautiful you have me worried” and I’ll eat knowing I’ll have to force myself not to puke– just because it will make you feel better. I’ll cry. I’ll cry so hard, please hold me. Hug me. Prove to me that I’m not contagious. Oh love me.

I dream vividly

In a sense it is my own curse. I can go hours replaying every little detail in my dreams. I have to convince myself it was just a dream. I have to look up calendars and prove that there simply wasn’t enough time in my life to have that happen. My dreams though, they keep me awake at times. They keep me tossing and turning. His face runs through as fast as a kid plays with a kilidascope. There it is, mishapen, There it is again, a glitter of hope, There it is again. I wonder how long until my dreams are filled with Prince charming instead of my turmoils. I wonder when I can fall asleep in the arms of another with out waking up in shakes. Do you know how embaressing that is!? How to do you explain that to someone?! “Nightmares?” I sound like a seven year old.

My dreams capture all of my fears. I can see him crying for me to come back. I can see each tear roll down his cheek and I can feel the pull at my heart to comfort him. I can see the same episodes, the car, the movie theatre, the couches, all the many places I lost who I was. My pain pulses through my body until I jolt myself awake at three in the morning gasping for air. I wonder when I’ll stop living in my nightmares and start looking forward to dreams.