Went something like this…
Me: NewGuy you just don’t understand. For years it’s been me. Sure I have my sister, and Margie, and others but it’s been me. Everyone knew I went through my own stuff I didn’t talk about things I didn’t need help. Then you. You come and you hold me, you hug me, and you love me. *Starts to cry* You tell me that everything’s okay. You tell me it’s not my fault. You tell me I’m beautiful.
Communication between us.
Me: I’m okay I’m just sad I’m leaving, and I never expected to find someone like you. To be treated the way you treat me. It’s good NewGuy. It’s scary lovinging someone and giving you so much trust, but I love you.
NewGuy: It’s suppose to be scary. It’s suppose to be new and exciting. You know I love you right?
Me: *slowly tears fall down my face again and I nodd as he reaches for me*
How did I get so lucky?
For so much. I use to beg for strength. Strength to wake up in the morning, and strength to keep going. I begged for strength to find an understanding. I begged. Bawled my eyes out and let go.
When I think about it. About Steve, my throat tightens. My stomache churns and my entire body wants to pull itself into the smallest ball I can create. Completely aware of every part of my body because it’s close to me. Part of me wants to scream and the other part wants to cry. Part of me pushes it away and the other part can’t let go. I wish he was just a fleeting thought, but sometimes it sticks and the rest of my body follows and stays and suddenly I’m three years ago on a new yellow couch and a bright pink polo losing pieces of myself.
Of dying early. Because well here’s my philosophy.
My life has been.. filled. With great people. Great feats. Adventures and challenges. I had a grandmother who loved me to her dying day, and I was present at her dying day holding her hand and sending her on her way with love. I have learned how to remain close with my family no matter how far away they travel. I have been tested in strength, morals, and I have learned the right love and the wrong. I’ve traveled to Canada and found my inner hippie on a mountain becoming an environmentalist. I went to Mexico to help children, and learned more about my life.
I think that god (or who ever) is filling my life as much as possible because it’s going to be cut short. There’s been so much I’ve learned and so much, done so much. More things than people my age normally go through, work through, see and do. And normally I am 100% okay with my idea of things being cut short. Except. Well. I want a future. I want more. I want things to keep coming. I want this everyday, because today he made my day with a phone call:
I called because I wanted you to know I love you so much and I miss you.
3/4 Cup of Aged Pain
A pinch of 3 Years Doubt of Worth
Take Out all Self Worth
Mix in Life’s kicks when you’re down
Plus the age old being a girl doubts.
Creates a living pain of looking in anything reflective. Sometimes I just wish I could cut myself a break and see what everyone else sees. Instead of just watching myself deteriorate. I guess today I just wish I had the strength to stand up for myself.
I decided I just wish I could stop all the bad and bringing up the bad. Likewise I was reminded today at work of the stereotypes I use to fit into just because people didn’t know me. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to where I was comfortable instead of having to visit my same haunts and shit. For real? Wasn’t it long enough?
I guess that’s why every Sunday, all I ask for is strength. At least for myself.
It’s tough waking up in the arms of someone who loves you. Someone who kisses each part of you that has been hurt and used, and shows you the most love it could shake your system. Then hours later you’re surrounded by old haunts that make your stomache roll, and your head pound. He’s not my run away, but he lets me give up my strength and hold me together when I don’t want to anymore, and he loves me despite all of it.
To do list:
Refind inner strength- Learn how to be strong about the things that happened to you, and not just cold about them.
Take Care of You- You are someone worth keeping and keeping alive, it’s time to be better to yourself.
Remind love of self- You are a good person, really. For real. You didn’t do anything bad. You aren’t a bad person. A lot of people would be delighted to have you in their lives, and actually a lot of people are delighted to have you there.
Create- It always makes you feel better when you make something, from nothing.
Keep on Keepin on- Take names while your at it, because it’s your life. Let’s go back to making it something worth telling the grandkids.
- I would shake, tremble, and quake with fear. Hate for myself. Worry. Defeat. And Self Loss
- I would stay awake for hours reenacting each moment and the burn in my throat from not saying a word.
- I would sit on the roof and pray to who ever would listen
- Then I would give up my prayers determined I didn’t deserve help.
- I would have to force my meals down, because puking came too easy.
- I completely changed my route in town, and at school. To avoid him.
- I would turn the shower on as hot as it could get sitting on the floor. Crying.
- I would swim to the middle of the lake, begging anyone and something to make it easier.
Except now I wonder how much of that has changed or how much of me has changed. How to I explain to people, just how bad bad was? Imagine the worst, and then throwing a hopeless cause in the middle of it. That. Was me.