Went something like this…
Me: NewGuy you just don’t understand. For years it’s been me. Sure I have my sister, and Margie, and others but it’s been me. Everyone knew I went through my own stuff I didn’t talk about things I didn’t need help. Then you. You come and you hold me, you hug me, and you love me. *Starts to cry* You tell me that everything’s okay. You tell me it’s not my fault. You tell me I’m beautiful.
Communication between us.
Me: I’m okay I’m just sad I’m leaving, and I never expected to find someone like you. To be treated the way you treat me. It’s good NewGuy. It’s scary lovinging someone and giving you so much trust, but I love you.
NewGuy: It’s suppose to be scary. It’s suppose to be new and exciting. You know I love you right?
Me: *slowly tears fall down my face again and I nodd as he reaches for me*
How did I get so lucky?
For so much. I use to beg for strength. Strength to wake up in the morning, and strength to keep going. I begged for strength to find an understanding. I begged. Bawled my eyes out and let go.
When I think about it. About Steve, my throat tightens. My stomache churns and my entire body wants to pull itself into the smallest ball I can create. Completely aware of every part of my body because it’s close to me. Part of me wants to scream and the other part wants to cry. Part of me pushes it away and the other part can’t let go. I wish he was just a fleeting thought, but sometimes it sticks and the rest of my body follows and stays and suddenly I’m three years ago on a new yellow couch and a bright pink polo losing pieces of myself.
I decided I just wish I could stop all the bad and bringing up the bad. Likewise I was reminded today at work of the stereotypes I use to fit into just because people didn’t know me. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to where I was comfortable instead of having to visit my same haunts and shit. For real? Wasn’t it long enough?
I guess that’s why every Sunday, all I ask for is strength. At least for myself.
It’s tough waking up in the arms of someone who loves you. Someone who kisses each part of you that has been hurt and used, and shows you the most love it could shake your system. Then hours later you’re surrounded by old haunts that make your stomache roll, and your head pound. He’s not my run away, but he lets me give up my strength and hold me together when I don’t want to anymore, and he loves me despite all of it.
To do list:
Refind inner strength- Learn how to be strong about the things that happened to you, and not just cold about them.
Take Care of You- You are someone worth keeping and keeping alive, it’s time to be better to yourself.
Remind love of self- You are a good person, really. For real. You didn’t do anything bad. You aren’t a bad person. A lot of people would be delighted to have you in their lives, and actually a lot of people are delighted to have you there.
Create- It always makes you feel better when you make something, from nothing.
Keep on Keepin on- Take names while your at it, because it’s your life. Let’s go back to making it something worth telling the grandkids.
- I would shake, tremble, and quake with fear. Hate for myself. Worry. Defeat. And Self Loss
- I would stay awake for hours reenacting each moment and the burn in my throat from not saying a word.
- I would sit on the roof and pray to who ever would listen
- Then I would give up my prayers determined I didn’t deserve help.
- I would have to force my meals down, because puking came too easy.
- I completely changed my route in town, and at school. To avoid him.
- I would turn the shower on as hot as it could get sitting on the floor. Crying.
- I would swim to the middle of the lake, begging anyone and something to make it easier.
Except now I wonder how much of that has changed or how much of me has changed. How to I explain to people, just how bad bad was? Imagine the worst, and then throwing a hopeless cause in the middle of it. That. Was me.
When Steve and I were together, there was a lot of it. I was constantly afraid of what he’d do next, or of what people would think, of what people were thinking, and who would find out. Even now, a lot of fear still lingers when I see him, when someone says his name, and when I think of him.
Because the scariest thing is just how easy it would have been for me to stay with him. Just how easy it would be that I could still be there right. now. How different my life would be. How horrible my life would be. How upset I would be. Someone once asked me what my greatest fear was, and we’re not talking the dark, spiders, and being attacked my chickens. We’re talking what is your greatest fear in your life. Failure? Becoming evil? Taking on the world and losing?
No. My greatest fear is being back in that exact situation, because it was the worst to me. I lost my personality. I lost my ability to communicate. I was so caged and hurt. It was torture for me. Daily. It was a constant reminder of pain and the lack of comfort. I had no sleep, I had cut down drastically on what I ate, simply because I didn’t want to puke it back up. I was beyond in pain. Someone constantly had control over me, and I was in fear of what would happen next.
So you see, sometimes I shake thinking how different everything would be if it was still the same. If by some miracle I didn’t leave. If I didn’t move on and keep living. It’s just. Scary.
World One: Home town. Small Town. Pigeon Hole. Bottled Anger. Victim. Bottled Hurt. Bottled Pain. Bottled Self. Long story: I was molested by my high school boyfriend and carried it around with me like a bad curse. I distanced myself from those whom I was closest to. Chin up Chest out and face the world. Hard. Cold.
World Two: College Town. New Home. New person. Expressive. Life and a whole lot of it. Experiences up the wazzo. Long story: I went to college and faced so much of my fears. I trusted a man (and fell in love?). I opened my heart. I showed my scars and someone kissed them and caressed them.
I came back home and my life was thrown into the past. It was.. horrible. Except I wasn’t here. I was visiting NewGuy. I was going to banquets. I was at work. I ignored so much of the pain that is embedded in the walls of my bedroom, the threads of the couch, the streets of my home town. I took NewGuy around not even feeling or remembering the pain that is so evident, only knowing the comfort of his hand on mine, and the softness of his lips.
My two worlds just collided. I whispered in the dark. So of course he asked me to explain. I with Steve what? Three years ago? Except I was swimming, I was busy, I bottled a lot of hurt up and I carried it with me as heavy as it was. It took me till College to want to let them go. Its hard. There was a lot. He holds me. Then you come where everything was bad, and show me that things can be good. It’s just. Two worlds colliding.
Filed under Life, Memories