Went something like this…
Me: NewGuy you just don’t understand. For years it’s been me. Sure I have my sister, and Margie, and others but it’s been me. Everyone knew I went through my own stuff I didn’t talk about things I didn’t need help. Then you. You come and you hold me, you hug me, and you love me. *Starts to cry* You tell me that everything’s okay. You tell me it’s not my fault. You tell me I’m beautiful.
Communication between us.
Me: I’m okay I’m just sad I’m leaving, and I never expected to find someone like you. To be treated the way you treat me. It’s good NewGuy. It’s scary lovinging someone and giving you so much trust, but I love you.
NewGuy: It’s suppose to be scary. It’s suppose to be new and exciting. You know I love you right?
Me: *slowly tears fall down my face again and I nodd as he reaches for me*
How did I get so lucky?
NewGuy and I have been getting pretty phsyical. I mean I’m comfortable with all of it, but it’s physical so here is where my suitcases of baggage come in. I sat on his floor with a tall glass of water trying to settle my breathing and holding his hand. “Are you okay?” He asked me. Of which I assured him I was fine. “No I mean with all of this. Are you okay?” Right then my heart melted. I’m leaving and the night before he decided to be the exact man I’ve ever wanted in my life.
I crawled behind him and whispered, “You are too good to me.” He thinks he does nothing and doesn’t understand. I get quiet and shower his back with kisses while I try to choke back tears. At least he can’t see me crying. “You make me comfortable. You care for me. You take care of me.” I started to choke a little harder on my tears. “You asked me if I was okay. You accept me.” Then he caught on that I was crying. “I’m broken NewGuy.” He reaches for my hands, “What?” I start to cry harder, “I’m broken. I’m used. I’m hurt. I’m no good.”
This was the point of which he picked me up and put me down on his chest holding me tight. You’re not broken. I cried harder at his care. Our last night together and Steve had to jump in, I cried harder that I lost a night to him. You can talk about it if you want to. “You’re so good to me.” I whisper in his neck with tears running down my neck. How does someone hurt such a beautiful person? I cried harder, and he held me until my tears slowed. He held me while I shook with everything I have. “I’m sorry.” I kept whispering in his ear while I wiped my tears and tried to forget it all. Please don’t apoligize. He said like he meant it, and I fell into his body not wanting to move.
You’re so good to me.
I was to get my wisdom teeth out only a short weeks away. I remember feeling the nerves coming back and fast. I was out of my sport and had no where for my nerves to go. She promised to help me through this. She knows what this means to me. She’ll be there for me. Of course she will. Weeks went by and we danced around the subject. Finally she stopped bringing it up and there was only days left. “I have to get my wisdom teeth out.” I said leaving something in my voice, some type of pleading for something more. Help. She pointed to her calender. “I won’t forget.”
I held onto my phone tight. Worried. Waiting for a text, waiting for a call. I waited an entire day, a night, and the morning drive. I cried silently. Help. So this is what going through life alone feels. It’s scary. It’s hard. It hurts. Really really bad.
I cried. When they threw the mask on my face. I cried. When I woke up in the “recovery room”. I cried. On the car ride home. I cried. When I woke up every few minutes. I cried the whole day.
Even now it’s a sore. It hurts that– that’s what alone feels like. It hurts because I was pushed to face a fear. It hurt so bad. I cried the days afterword. I tried to piece together my day. To find the hour or hours I lost. I tried so hard to remember, to get my control back.
I guess that’s what let down feels like. Even now I am still close with my high school coach but we don’t bring up the day she happened to forget. We don’t bring up the shower she dragged me out of. Or the day she hugged me when I was so nervous. Or the small subtleties she knew about.
That memory would be nothing with out Steve. It would be non-existant. Instead it still fucking hurts.
Filed under Life, Memories