There’s something about NewGuy and I that we simply can’t just have a weekend to ourselves. We always have to share, with deep things, hard things, and interesting stuff. Like. Forever. (Among other deep things)
How is it you make relationships work? We’re going so fast skipping through all the “How do I tell him I was in a bad relationship” aspect. Or hiding things to try and save each other’s feelings. Instead we do the rational thing and talk about it, and talk, and cry, and talk, and cry and lose sleep. How is it you make a relationship work? Because sooner or later my smile isn’t going to be the thing that makes him smile. We won’t always have constant butterflies, at what point will these cute puppy dog things wear off and become real? Who’s to say though, that what we have is not real just because it is cute, and will it wear off or will we always be able to look at each other and smile? What happens when we stop thinking like the honeymoon couple and start thinking like the old couple sitting on the bench? How do you become that old couple? Why is it so scary losing him? I love him so much and I can’t image anyone else spending *gulp* forever with. Just… What if…? And, How? How does this work?
Went something like this…
Me: NewGuy you just don’t understand. For years it’s been me. Sure I have my sister, and Margie, and others but it’s been me. Everyone knew I went through my own stuff I didn’t talk about things I didn’t need help. Then you. You come and you hold me, you hug me, and you love me. *Starts to cry* You tell me that everything’s okay. You tell me it’s not my fault. You tell me I’m beautiful.
Communication between us.
Me: I’m okay I’m just sad I’m leaving, and I never expected to find someone like you. To be treated the way you treat me. It’s good NewGuy. It’s scary lovinging someone and giving you so much trust, but I love you.
NewGuy: It’s suppose to be scary. It’s suppose to be new and exciting. You know I love you right?
Me: *slowly tears fall down my face again and I nodd as he reaches for me*
How did I get so lucky?
I’ve been really busy lately, working two jobs, missing the boyfriend, working at home, chores, and other life things that I haven’t had time to write about this blog. That and for the time being I just want to celebrate all the good things in my life. I am afraid I don’t do that enough, therefore here are a list of a lot of excellent things I have in my life.
A growing wardrobe that I love.
A growing wardrobe of hippie items.
Size six pants, that I don’t feel fat in.
A flight to Ireland in January.
A retreat with my church in early fall.
Great friends keeping in touch with me.
A creative writing project that is still blossoming.
Plans. I have plans.
I have someone who loves me. For exactly. Who I am.
I have family that is chaotic and well a lot of them.
I have talent in the kitchen, and the patience to let it grow.
I have caring siblings.
I have a celebration for life.
Life. Is. Good.
More to come…
It’s tough waking up in the arms of someone who loves you. Someone who kisses each part of you that has been hurt and used, and shows you the most love it could shake your system. Then hours later you’re surrounded by old haunts that make your stomache roll, and your head pound. He’s not my run away, but he lets me give up my strength and hold me together when I don’t want to anymore, and he loves me despite all of it.
To do list:
Refind inner strength- Learn how to be strong about the things that happened to you, and not just cold about them.
Take Care of You- You are someone worth keeping and keeping alive, it’s time to be better to yourself.
Remind love of self- You are a good person, really. For real. You didn’t do anything bad. You aren’t a bad person. A lot of people would be delighted to have you in their lives, and actually a lot of people are delighted to have you there.
Create- It always makes you feel better when you make something, from nothing.
Keep on Keepin on- Take names while your at it, because it’s your life. Let’s go back to making it something worth telling the grandkids.
ME: The way your finger tips feel on my back, and how good you are.
Me: Newguy there’s been so much bad in my life, and you come and your just. Good.
Then I curled into his arm and slept like a rock feeling wanted, and comfortable.
… You’re happy?” Margie asked. Of which I took a deep breath and tilted my head back. I’d kill not to be in a different University as my best friend sometimes. This this is one of them.
“I dunno Margie. Things don’t go right for me. I mean take a look at my life. Chaos. Stress. Sadness. I can handle all of that with great strides. Give me something worth losing though and suddenly I’m gambling with more than I have.” I know it sounds lame. I know she’s probably rolling her eyes at me from hours away. But I know she knows exactly why I am worried, and she would kill to be here to tell me to my face.
“Stop freaking out. Take it a day at a time. You’re happy.”
“I know I just. Why me you know? Why did he pick me?”
“Because you’re a good person,” and as much as I want to believe her part of me may never. I repeat the words to myself I’m happy. It’s what I want to be loved by someone else.
Only a matter of days till I’m away from the man I just met, and back surrounded by old haunts, and the people who keep me together. Talk about a cluster.