NewGuy had a truth serum and accidentally poured it in my tea. Because my conversation would go something like this…
Me: I use to have to hold his hand constantly. I hated it. I hated holding his hand. Because I was never holding it, I was always holding it still, but when I hold your hand, its because I love the way it feels in mine.
NewGuy: Why do you keep saying you don’t deserve me?
Me: Because all my best “guy friends” left me this year. Calling me too needy. Rude. Because I have been left by every person who’s ever said they love me. Because you are too good for me. People like you are the guys I’m suppose to want to be with but have to settle for something less.
NewGuy: Why me?
Me: I like the way you play with my hair. I like the way you compliment me out of the blue and it leaves me speechless. I like the way you want to constantly hold me when we sleep. I like the way you don’t want me to go. I like the way you make me laugh constantly. I like the way you look when you just woke up and your smiling. I like the feel of your hand. I like the way I can put you to sleep so easily and I like that you like me to.
NewGuy: And you didn’t have these things with him?
Me: I had touches that would make my entire body shake. I had screams inside of my head because my mouth was too scared. I had nightmares, and bad days with bad moments. I had flashbacks. I had anger and a lot of it. I had depression and a lot of it. I lost my laughter. I lost my love. I lost myself.
I know he’d never ask me these things because after the first question he’d feel too bad and just want to make it okay. He’d want to hold me and sooth me, but sometimes I wish he knew everything. So he can understand why it is such a anomaly to me why he chose me and why he treats me so well.
I don’t drink much, but NewGuy doesn’t really drink at all. I had to ask him if he minded me drinking, of which he found me a Bud Light and said “go for it.” I know my limits very well and only had three beers for being there about three hours. I was fine. Even still it was nice he didn’t go far, and that he offered me a beer.
Likewise I met more of his friends and everything out of their mouth was good things. They would tell me about the size of his heart, and just how great he was. I knew all of those things before they opened their mouth, but I could tell he was glad people took notice of all his hard work. He is a good man.
Like at any party though there was the one person who had too many and was going too far. After shaking my hand repeatedly and getting down to his boxers telling me his name was “Big Dick” I was flustered. It didn’t take but the second time for the boy to shake my hand until NewGuy got defensive and wrapped me around him, likewise KidWithTooMuchToDrink was pulled away by one of his friends, “Don’t mess with her alright? Go somewhere else.” And after he slunked away I was left. Safe. In the arms of NewGuy.
He probably didn’t even notice that I fell for him for the umteenth time the second he was protective over me. Who knows am I something worth being careful not to lose?
That’s how I’ve lived my life for quite a while. “I just gotta get through this.” I’ve got to make it through the Steve situation. I’ve got to make it through being on a college team. I’ve got to get through my first year at school. Have to make it through high school. Have to make it through heartbreaks, nightmares, shakes, episodes, and emotions.
How much of my life did I not live and just “get through?” Perhaps that is my biggest problem right now. I can’t just “get through” something, because I have nothing to “get through” I’ve already been wading knee deep in my past, and I “got through” that really well. I found someone who treats me really good, I fell in love with my college, I quit my team, I found myself.
I have nothing to get through. I’m just living now. Maybe that’s my problem, when’s the last time I didn’t have some epic moment of passion getting me through things and keep going!? When is the last time that things were good and that I just sat back and enjoyed them? Damn have I really been living my life full speed trying to miss as much as I can and breeze through the worst of it for this long?
No wonder this slow paced, east movement of life startles me a bit. This is how it’s suppose to be. More bad things will come, but I need to learn how to enjoy the good things for what they are. Good.
… You’re happy?” Margie asked. Of which I took a deep breath and tilted my head back. I’d kill not to be in a different University as my best friend sometimes. This this is one of them.
“I dunno Margie. Things don’t go right for me. I mean take a look at my life. Chaos. Stress. Sadness. I can handle all of that with great strides. Give me something worth losing though and suddenly I’m gambling with more than I have.” I know it sounds lame. I know she’s probably rolling her eyes at me from hours away. But I know she knows exactly why I am worried, and she would kill to be here to tell me to my face.
“Stop freaking out. Take it a day at a time. You’re happy.”
“I know I just. Why me you know? Why did he pick me?”
“Because you’re a good person,” and as much as I want to believe her part of me may never. I repeat the words to myself I’m happy. It’s what I want to be loved by someone else.
Only a matter of days till I’m away from the man I just met, and back surrounded by old haunts, and the people who keep me together. Talk about a cluster.
There are moments that stir up every reaction I have left for this Steve situation. When I see him. When I go home to my room. When I talk about it. (Okay I swear these things aren’t very often) Or when I get the shakes. Except for now.
When I’m around NewGuy. I start to worry. About…
How to tell him “oh just so you know I was sorta used and abused in high school.”
How to tell him that I’m on bad relationship away from a lot of cats
That I want to reach out and touch him, love him, but everything inside me has been caged for so long.
So you see there are a lot of new worries here. We are at that odd dating sorta not official, walk me home, part of this thing. Except this would be the part where any confident women would grab him by the collar and kiss him already. Any confident women, except me. I’m just trying to let things take their course and having a few “shoulda woulda coulda” moments. I want to lean in and kiss him when he types. I want to reach for him when he’s far away. I want him to hold me.
I guess this is the new adventure, so who knows maybe I’ll blog more. Life is really good right now for me. It’s just the past coming to bite the present that I worry about. I think it’ll all work out though.
According to one of my (douche bag) friends in high school there are two types of mature. Mature and “Relationship Mature” according to him I’m really lacking in the relationship mature stage of my life. Back story: Me and him tried to date in high school and the physical part of a relationship was extremely difficult because I had just broken up with Steve. (also our “relationship” lasted maybe a month) Therefore this friend let’s call him Elliot. Elliot has put me on a pedestal ever since and well it’s real hard to get down. So now I’m a “saint” and I never do anything physical.
Ya I hope you just made that “I can’t believe that ass hole” face too because I made it also. However back to the main story. So he tells me that I am far from ready to have a relationship. Partially because of my “inexperience” (Please note this is the saint part coming in). I’ll admit I am pretty low on the good experiences side of a relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mature enough to handle them. I think I’m a little past the giggle stage, and or the can’t handle this stage.
I’ll admit though it’s going to be difficult, and it’s going to be different. It’s going to have to be in love not in lust, because I have capped off my lust for someone I love. How does this make me immature? Does it not make me mature? Is it such a bad thing that I expect people to be okay with it and accept me, and love me. Not just make love to me.