Went something like this…
Me: NewGuy you just don’t understand. For years it’s been me. Sure I have my sister, and Margie, and others but it’s been me. Everyone knew I went through my own stuff I didn’t talk about things I didn’t need help. Then you. You come and you hold me, you hug me, and you love me. *Starts to cry* You tell me that everything’s okay. You tell me it’s not my fault. You tell me I’m beautiful.
Communication between us.
Me: I’m okay I’m just sad I’m leaving, and I never expected to find someone like you. To be treated the way you treat me. It’s good NewGuy. It’s scary lovinging someone and giving you so much trust, but I love you.
NewGuy: It’s suppose to be scary. It’s suppose to be new and exciting. You know I love you right?
Me: *slowly tears fall down my face again and I nodd as he reaches for me*
How did I get so lucky?
I went to my first counseling appointment since I’ve been back from winter break (schedule made it difficult to schedule right away). I was finally able to tell her some instances about Steve, which was interesting. I was sad, but I didn’t cry. When I retell the story I am more vocal in what I should have done. Actually that’s shitty rephrasing it’s not what I should have done it’s just that when I replay it over in my head I use words like “Get your f*cking hands off of me” Making myself a little more clear. However, that isn’t what I said I just quietly politely said “No.” “No.” “No.” Silly to think it had the same type of reaction.
We talked about how there was more feelings than just violation, there was embarrassment, there was shame, there was guilt, there was so many things that I hadn’t even begun to think about. I realized as I was walking away how much I just wanted someone to hug me. I realized that that is the same thing I wanted from my mother when I told her and I began to wonder how much comfort is in my life? Am I just waiting for someone to hug me, always?
I wonder if it’s always because of the space I leave between me and other. Especially those I just met. Arms reach at least. Am I not the only one in the world that just wants to be hugged? Comforted? This comes from some human need for touch no? This whole trust, touch, comfort thing is more difficult than it has to be. Why can’t someone come along I can trust. Alas, I will keep waiting for eventually and a knight in shining armor.
PS. I’m asking a boy to a comedian tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well.. Wish me luck!!
Filed under Life, Thoughts