Tag Archives: friends

This Weekend

NewGuy will be here. You see NewGuy and I had a very emotional leaving last time. Which consisted of me crying, for hours. on end. Hours. No Joke.

I was starting to get sad about not seeing him for a whole month when I decided. I am in love with this man. So I said it. I said, “NewGuy. I love you.” Which he smiled from finally hearing it from me and returned the love. Then I started thinking, and this is where it all went down hill. Fast.

I love him. I love how he holds me. I love how he accepts me. I love how he holds my hand because he wants to be near me, not because I am trapping his hands to get them off of me. I love the way he tells me he loves me. I love the way he cares for me. I love how he doesn’t take me for granted. I love how good he is, to me, and to so many other people. I really love him. Then I started thinking about how good he is to me.

I knew the tears were coming so I spaced myself from him. You’re so good to me you’re breaking all my hard seams and tough lines. He immediatly asked what was wrong and I tried to shake it. I tried to curl myself into him and focus on the movie. I couldn’t. I turned my head into his chest and stopped watching the movie. And silently, tears started falling from my eyes. First because I was leaving the man I just said I loved, and secondly because NewGuy is so good. Good I didn’t think I’d ever find. Or deserve.

NewGuy: Look at me.
Me: *Shakes head*
NewGuy: Look at me.
Me: *Sniffles* No

Then he picked up my chin and was forced to see the tears rolling down my face. We spent the night talking about how bad things were, and how scared I was back then. How I’ve always had to be tough and for the first time I’m allowed to be weak. I’m allowed to let someone take care of me. I finally went to bed at one exhausted from crying. He couldn’t sleep because I was sad.

I love him.


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Are you freaking out because

… You’re happy?” Margie asked. Of which I took a deep breath and tilted my head back. I’d kill not to be in a different University as my best friend sometimes. This this is one of them.

“I dunno Margie. Things don’t go right for me. I mean take a look at my life. Chaos. Stress. Sadness. I can handle all of that with great strides. Give me something worth losing though and suddenly I’m gambling with more than I have.” I know it sounds lame. I know she’s probably rolling her eyes at me from hours away. But I know she knows exactly why I am worried, and she would kill to be here to tell me to my face.

“Stop freaking out. Take it a day at a time. You’re happy.”

“I know I just. Why me you know? Why did he pick me?”

“Because you’re a good person,” and as much as I want to believe her part of me may never. I repeat the words to myself I’m happy. It’s what I want to be loved by someone else.

Only a matter of days till I’m away from the man I just met, and back surrounded by old haunts, and the people who keep me together. Talk about a cluster.

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“Relationship Mature”

According to one of my (douche bag) friends in high school there are two types of mature. Mature and “Relationship Mature” according to him I’m really lacking in the relationship mature stage of my life. Back story: Me and him tried to date in high school and the physical part of a relationship was extremely difficult because I had just broken up with Steve. (also our “relationship” lasted maybe a month)  Therefore this friend let’s call him Elliot. Elliot has put me on a pedestal ever since and well it’s real hard to get down. So now I’m a “saint” and I never do anything physical.

Ya I hope you just made that “I can’t believe that ass hole” face too because I made it also. However back to the main story. So he tells me that I am far from ready to have a relationship. Partially because of my “inexperience” (Please note this is the saint part coming in). I’ll admit I am pretty low on the good experiences side of a relationship, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mature enough to handle them. I think I’m a little past the giggle stage, and or the can’t handle this stage.

I’ll admit though it’s going to be difficult, and it’s going to be different. It’s going to have to be in love not in lust, because I have capped off my lust for someone I love. How does this make me immature? Does it not make me mature? Is it such a bad thing that I expect people to be okay with it and accept me, and love me. Not just make love to me.

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