That Test Raped Me

I swear to you if I heard this phrase one more time during finals week I was going to shit myself. I realize there are some politically incorrect things I say. I try as hard as I can to say something that wouldn’t offend anyone, except what’s the big deal. Let me tell you what the big deal is for me.

I’m sitting in a van full of NewGuys friends and they joke about being “violated” I try to laugh really hard with them, but it’s fake. Real fake. So I lose points for being fake and then I lose for laughing at something that sucks for me. Except NewGuy kind of catches on that “That jokes not so funny for me” but I try to look out the window and act like neither of us notice. Inside I know though that every time someone mentions that a flash of me in a lot of pain, in a lost place, in a dark time, comes running to my mind. And while violated and that test raped me means nothing but humor to them, to me it is a flash of a reminder. An update that I’m not like everyone else. A check that I’m still in the same place he left me, broken and used.

So I want to thank you, you who use these phrases. They make me feel less than human. They make me branded with the word used. They make me a prude if I ask you to stop, and they make me everything I don’t want to be. For a second you are no better than Steve. While NewGuy can catch on and hold on to my hand squeezing a little tighter in that I’m not going anywhere type move, know that your burning old scars.

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2 Comments

Filed under Life, Thoughts

2 responses to “That Test Raped Me

  1. I can definitely understand this… Things like this aren’t funny, and terminology like that is idiotic. I’ve got some phrases like that that really tick me off these days and bother my like that because they’re horrible reminders of what I’m going through and how so many people don’t take stuff seriously. It’s tough, and infuriating and blood-boiling.
    I’m glad NewGuy is worth what he is and gets you.

  2. It is your choice.
    Do you stay where Steve left you or move on?
    How big of a prison will it be?
    You are taking the first big steps.
    It is OK.
    It is your life.
    You create it anew every day.

    You can let words stop you. Or not.
    You can let other’s callousness or ignorance effect you. Or not.

    New Guy is here now, to help you. To caress and console you. God bless him for it.

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