I swear to you if I heard this phrase one more time during finals week I was going to shit myself. I realize there are some politically incorrect things I say. I try as hard as I can to say something that wouldn’t offend anyone, except what’s the big deal. Let me tell you what the big deal is for me.
I’m sitting in a van full of NewGuys friends and they joke about being “violated” I try to laugh really hard with them, but it’s fake. Real fake. So I lose points for being fake and then I lose for laughing at something that sucks for me. Except NewGuy kind of catches on that “That jokes not so funny for me” but I try to look out the window and act like neither of us notice. Inside I know though that every time someone mentions that a flash of me in a lot of pain, in a lost place, in a dark time, comes running to my mind. And while violated and that test raped me means nothing but humor to them, to me it is a flash of a reminder. An update that I’m not like everyone else. A check that I’m still in the same place he left me, broken and used.
So I want to thank you, you who use these phrases. They make me feel less than human. They make me branded with the word used. They make me a prude if I ask you to stop, and they make me everything I don’t want to be. For a second you are no better than Steve. While NewGuy can catch on and hold on to my hand squeezing a little tighter in that I’m not going anywhere type move, know that your burning old scars.