Sometimes I wish..

NewGuy had a truth serum and accidentally poured it in my tea. Because my conversation would go something like this…

NewGuy: Spill
Me: I use to have to hold his hand constantly. I hated it. I hated holding his hand. Because I was never holding it, I was always holding it still, but when I hold your hand, its because I love the way it feels in mine.
NewGuy: Why do you keep saying you don’t deserve me?
Me: Because all my best “guy friends” left me this year. Calling me too needy. Rude. Because I have been left by every person who’s ever said they love me. Because you are too good for me. People like you are the guys I’m suppose to want to be with but have to settle for something less.
NewGuy: Why me?
Me: I  like the way you play with my hair. I like the way you compliment me out of the blue and it leaves me speechless. I like the way you want to constantly hold me when we sleep. I like the way you don’t want me to go. I like the way you make me laugh constantly. I like the way you look when you just woke up and your smiling. I like the feel of your hand. I like the way I can put you to sleep so easily and I like that you like me to.
NewGuy: And you didn’t have these things with him?
Me: I had touches that would make my entire body shake. I had screams inside of my head because my mouth was too scared. I had nightmares, and bad days with bad moments. I had flashbacks. I had anger and a lot of it. I had depression and a lot of it. I lost my laughter. I lost my love. I lost myself.

I know he’d never ask me these things because after the first question he’d feel too bad and just want to make it okay. He’d want to hold me and sooth me, but sometimes I wish he knew everything. So he can understand why it is such a anomaly to me why he chose me and why he treats me so well.

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2 Comments

Filed under Life

2 responses to “Sometimes I wish..

  1. You don’t need a truth serum. With time, if things with NewGuy stay as good as they are, you’ll just tell him these things of your own volition, just because you want to. No need to rush it, but it will come when you feel it’s ready to be talked about.

  2. armylifelove

    You do deserve him. I was in a abusive relationship and he broke me, I use to think the same way. It took me three years to deal with it and a good man to prove it. Just take it day by day 🙂

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