For a text from Sean. Asking for me back. Two years. Two years we were seperated repeating how important our relationship was to each other. How we lived the most when we were together. How we really loved each other. How it was real. Two years we were seperated.
The hypothetical question has always been out there “if he asked for you back right now what would you say?” Some weeks when I didn’t miss him at all I’d smile and say “No.” Other weeks when memoiries haunted me the most I’d frown and say “It’d be hard not to take him back.” Some weeks when we fought or we just simply missed each other I’d say “I dont know.”
What do I say this week? I say it’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair. The rest of the world gets to be together, we have always been fused apart. By past relationships, life, time, and now distance. It’s not fucking fair. It doesn’t change the way I feel, but even now I have to wonder.
If the way I feel is just based on memories. Sweet. Sweet memories. What if it’s not there anymore. What if none of it is. What if it’s just a sweet memory we replay to make ourselves happier. What if this is a one way street and it’s all me. What if I am his pity case? What if I still remember the part of his chest I fill happily. What if I remember the texture of his hands, the deep colors ofhis eyes. What if all of it is still with me.
Maybe someday, but not now. That only further complicates our “friendship” and bends the break in my heart a little farther. Oh my friend if I could I would hold you close and never let you go. I’d let you grow in my heart and warm it’s cold corners.
More about Mexico to come.
PS don’t know who Sean is? Check out my “Who’s who” section it’ll clearit all up.