I saw Margie last night. Well actually we sat at a resturant till three in the morning, and she said something that stuck out to me. “You’ve always been something about it you know? You’ve always been angry, frustrated, sad or “working on it” but I don’t know how you’re not just exhausted” and I had to tell her the truth.
I’m so sick of being strong. I’m at that point where I should be leaning to the most important people in my life. My mother. My coach. My brother. Margie. Sean. But I can’t. Because we are all in different points of our life that no one has the time to take care of me for a while. I just want to give up for a short while. I want to hide from the sun for days. I want to hide from humanity for weeks. I want to give up.
I know it’ll all work out, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel blah blah. But right now? I’m M.F. tired. Exhausted is a really good word. I’m too tired to want to move. I want someone to take me in their arms and just hold me. Because I’m at that point where I dont have the strength to hold myself together anymore. It’s so tiring. Day. After day. Fighting the good fight and sticking up, finding myself, fighting the stereotypes.
I can’t help but if on the inside I gave up for a little bit. Needing a vacation from all this serious things. It might be best described if I was five, because I’d just simply say, “Mommy I can’t do it anymore. I’m too sad, too sick to my stomache.”