I try to fancy myself with words. I like learning new ones, and new meanings. It’s words though that hurt people the most, or can do the most damage. Which may be why I told my counselor about my blog she warned me about these words: the negative ones I might get and the positives ones that might make me think a little harder. It’s a gamble to tell someone your story. There’s a lot to be said in bearing it all.
I want to say thank you to the people who give me something to think about, but I want to tell my readers the few who comment that the words can be scary sometimes.
There are some comments I have to say “go to hell” to after I read them. Not because people are rude or not understanding (mind you these things can happen) but because it’s so easy to say “smile more!” Excuse me!? Go to hell. Do you know how it feels to walk around wounded? Do you know how it feels to have to reprogram your heart and mind to learn what love is?! You are so lucky that you have to not learn you just know. You were taught with out knowing it. I have to relearn completely. I feel seven– and in college. Totally lost.
My advice to those who have stories like mine out there is to tell them- and hold your breath for the worst. Because cousins will tell you to “get over it already” friends will tell you “your just over reacting” and inside your thinking “i’m just being a baby about all this” your not! You have your rights and if it doesn’t feel right that’s all that matters. It’s so hard sometimes there are things that people can sympathize with but they won’t really get it.
I guess the point of all of this is watch how easily your words hurt and effect people. Phrases like “that test raped me” hurts me so deeply and I can’t ask people to stop because then I’m giving away my story. Things like “just get over it” are the hardest because I would if I could I’d do anything. The best thing I’ve heard from someone was Sean and I asked him why me? He said “Why not, it doesn’t matter to me at all– I love you no matter what.” Yep that was the best. I was accept. I was loved. I was everything I feared I’d never be– and now all those fears are still here.
To those who have stories or questions for me that they feel unfit for this blog, I started an email just for anonymous purposes. I will say nothing to no one, but I am here. I am one. email@example.com