I went to “bible study” today (hey I’m trying to find my “place with god” don’t judge) and we talked about Forgive and Forget. And how god does so why can’t we. Forgive and forget? What if there is scars? What if there is hurt?? What the hell? What if I can’t even get angry enough to think about forgiveness?!? What if I’m not worthy of losing this hurt? What if this is just the hand I was dealt and there was no changing it for other things. What if there is no “Why me?” and instead just a “Why the hell not me!”
What if it hurts so bad. What if I cried in a place full of people. What if I can’t breathe because it hurts sometimes. Because sometimes I’m so sad. I’m so fucking nothing. That I think I can’t afford to be anything else but sad. Why do I deserve this “healing” when there is millions of other people?! why the hell me? What the hell. What if I could cry because I can’t forgive myself. I can’t cut myself the credit.
So why should my god?? What am I?? but used, abused, torn, and broken. So broken. I know I say “broken” a lot but let me tell you what it means to me. It means I was put on a shelf to be forever looked at different. I lost my luster. I lost my “new toy smell” I lost the ability to stick my plastic head up high, instead someone tore it off and now it kinda hangs there. I’m broken in the sense that I can’t be fixed. I’m dirty. Destroyed. Broken. How can I ever ask anyone to “forgive me” if I can’t forgive myself?
There’s this feeling inside. Like I’ve been here before. I’ve done all this any the only thing I can feel is exhausted. I could never ask my god to take this away, I’d ask him to never let anyone else feel like this.
Because it feels like hell. Is sitting inside of you. My chest hurts, my face burns from my tears that sting, my heart feels heavy, my body feels limp.