*See the previous post for full story*

I went home that day trying to calm my nerves and I remember crying a little bit at night and not sleeping well. I remember the day or two after were hard I walked on egg shells around the halls again. Nothing was comforting again. My coach tried to keep me reassured, but I was beyond her help. Finally I managed to push everything down and was walking the halls with no worries again. I was starting to laugh and think freely. It only took me two days this time. I was proud of that.

My team and I were lifting weights upstairs. I remember I was on the bicep machine and another team walked past us to get a drink. My stomach revolted as I inhaled. That sport always just smells like Steve. I thought I was going crazy. That was until I looked up and saw my worst nightmare coming back from the darkness I hadn’t seen him in months and here he was in my comfort zone, in my school, by my team. I remember the shakes taking over my whole body and fast.

I thought of all the fears I had only days ago. I thought it was some sort of sign. I left my partner and ran to my teams locker room. From there I passed a few freshman on my team who gave me a very hesitant look. I thought of running. Just running and not stopping. Or going somewhere. Instead the shower seemed comforting I sat and then I curled into the smallest ball I could. I cried and tried to find my breath. I tried to calm down. I tried. I tried.

Then, I knew she would come down, my coach was there. “What was that about?!” She asked scared, more than I, now that I think about it.  I remember trying to shake it off like I was fine, but I couldn’t convince my arms to let go of my legs. She didn’t buy it. “You just ran down a flight of stairs before I even knew you were gone and now you’re here. What is going on?” Finally I spoke in bits and pieces. “He’s up there. That’s all. I’m fine. I mean really I can normally stand him it’s just. I wasn’t use to it. I wasn’t ready for it. I’m fine really. He just isn’t suppose to be here.”

I sat there trying to catch my breath until my team was done with weights. “I just felt really sick. I think it’s the flu.” I lied to the team. The week was shaky but I went back to the old mentality of still having months till my surgery I’ll be fine. My coach immediately talked to the other sports coach and pointed out alums shouldn’t be invited to practices and she wants fair warning next time.

I sat in a shower stall crying, and put someone through that– I felt horrible.


1 Comment

Filed under Life, Memories, Nightmares

One response to “Continued…

  1. You say “I felt horrible” – I hope this means you know now that it’s ok that you did what you did. You weren’t ready to see him, certainly not in your space, your personal space where you felt safe. Your coach wanted to help you – you never made her do anything, you never asked her too. She was being kind, and instead of feeling horrible because of that, I hope you can manage today to just feel thankful for her kindness and dismiss the guilt from it.

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