Memories…

The worst one that haunts me now a days is during my senior year when I was free. I walked the halls with my head high knowing he wasn’t around. Security is false like that though… I went for my consultation visit with the hospital for my wisdom teeth and certain words rang in my head.
“While your mom waits in the recovery room we’ll finally put you under.”
Me: “Wait. Wait. Wait. Who’s going to be in the room when I go under.”
“Me and a nurse.”
Me: “My mom can’t be in the room?”
“No.”
Me: “When does my mom leave? After you give me the drugs?”
“No we only take you back.”
I remember trying to hold back the tears. I didn’t hear anything after that. Except for my heart racing. I have been in control for two years. For two years I can tell you everything that happened to me and all of it with consent. I can tell you every moment of my life and my tightly locked door while I slept. I can tell you being clear headed while everyone drank because I had to be in control and now Dr. You just fed me to the lions. I cried the entire car ride home and my mom tried to tell me nothing was going to happen to my jaw and only one in every so many cases break like my cousins.

I went to my sport practice and I cried harder. My coach new vaguely of my situation. (She knew what would keep her un-legally obliged to say something. Therefore everything I said was “I’m gonna lie to you when I tell you…” ) She immediately came to me, because we were so close and she knew I would have never acted this way  in front of my team if it wasn’t serious. “What did the doctor say?” I spoke quickly. “No one is going to be there. No one. I’m losing control.” I shook my whole body because I Was so afraid. I started to create a crowd so I instead joined the practice while still letting tears fall down my face. No one asked and Coach stared on afraid I was going to break.

After practice we sat on the bleachers and we talked. We talked about fears, and time. I had so much time. “We’ll be prepared for it. We have so much time till we confront this. I’ll be there for you through this whole thing.” I couldn’t help but feeling like I wasn’t finally going through this alone. I told someone a fear that shook me to my core and they understood.

Except that was far from the end.

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2 Comments

Filed under Memories, Nightmares

2 responses to “Memories…

  1. I can understand this. The lack of control, the fear that no one is going to be there, needing to be put under and taken away from the world for a while – all that is scary, especially after such a period of time during which you were getting the controls back in your hands.

  2. sworddancewarrior

    I can also relate about the need to know and consent to everything that happens to you. I have signed up to be a bone marrow donor but I’m not an organ donor, because the thought of someone cutting into my body when I’m not there to consent horrifies me, even if I’m dead. I also ask lots of questions of doctors and such, so I can make an informed decision about what I allow to happen, which they probably find annoying. To one recently I said “It’s my job to protect my body”.

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