As it turns out, I stopped over-gerneralizing a long time ago. I can still trust men, I can laugh, hang on them, and trust them. As long as we are just friends. And I’m one of those people that knows right away if you are going to be anything more than a guy I talk to or a potential. I’m broken in the sense that my confidence flourishes around guys when I know I’m just looking for friends. I can walk into a room full of guys sit in the middle of them and joke about everything and in response to that a lot of those guys become attracted to me. Except I’m not. I’m just being me.
However, if I look at you and think “Oo pretty.” Or “You… You could pass the test” Then I shut down. Suddenly I question my worth, my confidence, how I look, how I act where I put my hands, you name it it’s running through my head. My personality changes and I become quiet, I become reserved, I become conservative. But flash forward an hour when I’m hanging out with someone else and I’m herassing them for making me get their condoms and giving him a pep talk for the night.
I’ve faultered for weeks to give this boy my number, or ask him to do anything outside of class. It’s more than that though. It’s not just a boy who gives me the eyes (I mean he does) He also walks me to my next class (mind you it is on the way to his next class) He talks to me everyday in class and not just how did you do on that test (but it could just be that he has no one else to talk to) and finally at the end of class we do this really bad tango where we try to leave at the same time so we can walk together (again can be coinsidence).
Okay so writing that you can see the lack of self confidence anything that would have been a clear sign to anyone else is me questioning times ten. I want the confidence that I have in every aspect of life why can’t I just say.
“Look man, stop beating around the bush and ask for my number already.”