Every week I write an average of ten letters and sometimes I wish I could send a real letter to my mother and then maybe she’d understand a little better…
You are a beautiful woman. I wish I could tell you that every morning because I know some mornings I feel like I am walking around with a sign that says, “I am broken” around my neck. At times I do feel really broken, and like I am waiting on so many other people to fix my situation. I have tried anything that might have worked, drinking seemed like the worst idea possible, but it dulled the pain for a few moments until my fear kicked in worse than anything. I tried turning to my friends but even they didn’t tell me the things I wanted to hear. They had their own questions, questions I was asking myself everyday. (Why didn’t you tell someone? Why did you let it go on?) all of these things became to much to talk to them about so I stopped and it just became a topic we all learned to side step. I tried to turn to god but I had questions on my worth. I felt like Why me? Then after a while I started questioning Why not me? Who am I to think I am above being a victim? I have started to think that even asking for the simplist of things is too much (Health, Happiness) to ask for. I am no better than the average person and deserve nothing from a bigger being if I can get it myself. Therefore I find myself constantly thinking of other people. I have no where to turn anymore but myself, and I know I’m strong enough to face anything. I am shaped because of what happened to me, it not only made me have an inner strength better than the average person, but I grew up faster than the average person, I live fuller than the average person, I still love whole heartedly, I can still hold my head up high with my shoulders back, chest out, and a genuine smile on my face. I’m going to be fine mom– and likwise my life will be full. I am not for ever handicapped by this. I believe all this whole heartedly. I wish I could share some of my certainty with you, as to calm some of your worries. Know though, that I am still the little girl who sat happily on a front porch playing kitchen and making “coffee” and sitting at a too small table. Enough about me.
You are a beautiful woman (I can’t tell you that enough). You are a kind soul to everyone who comes across your path. You can make many people laugh with your witty comments, and quick comebacks. You are intelligent not only in books, but in the many trials and errors of life. You are an excellent mother and a good friend. Thank you for everything you have done and been in my life. –Love