It use to be worse. It use to be horrible. Back when I was with sean (good ex) he use to stress like no other. He knew I had a “bad relationship” He knew his name and he knew that some nights I use to call bawling my eyes out. I remember staying awake in my bed. Surrounded by things that were familiar to me, and still shaking because my dreams seemed so real I couldn’t shake out of it. I remember thinking that the worst thing that could happen to me, was being right back in that situation, and sometimes it was all my brain could do. Replay and Replay and Replay the worst moments. “Come on just do it.” He’d mutter. Or even his angry noises with everytime I said no. I remember them, but my dreams have slowly started to become my own.
Sean use to want me to call him, every night that I couldn’t sleep. He didn’t realize that I would stay up for hours just keeping myself awake repeating lyrics, or staring at the stars, to be so tired that I couldn’t dream. I just literally passed out. He would try to lull me to sleep reminding me how loved I was, how beautiful I was, and how much he was amazed by me.
We would lay together Sean and I, and I would have to remind my body that it’s Sean, and Sean unlike Steve really does love me. It was difficult, but my body would shake. From my head to my toes I had small tremors. I couldn’t stop them if I wanted to. He couldn’t help. That was the most frustrating, not having control over your own body. Sean use to look me in the eyes and smile slowly putting my hair behind my ear he would kiss my forehead as if telling me, “I understand it’s okay.”
Now a days I shake minimal, and yesterday I was able to control it for the first time I could remember I actually stopped. My dreams are triggered by bad days, but they are still my worst enemy, they just don’t visit nearly as often. As for not wanting to sleep, it fits into my college regiment to stay up late some nights, but on the other hand I can still go to bed at nine if i’m tired. I like to think that I’m starting to grasp my own life. I’m finally taking the reigns from something I couldn’t control.
That. Is. Liberating.