Well if you didn’t read the earlier post about “The Jesus” you can do so when ever you please, but it’s sunday and for some reason I feel the need to write more about my relationship with me and this “oh mysterious one”.
I sat in mass today and I tried to rationalize to myself why I am there. A lot of the things I can come up with are things revolving around “I would do anything to feel better, to feel comforted, if this means find “jesus” I will.” Then I realize that I am still looking for other people to fix my problems. Then I wonder why I of all people deserve this comfort from god (or whom ever). As it seems to me I am strong, strong enough to fix this on my own. I am blessed beyond belief and I should ask for no more than what I have. When I pray (or ponder to myself) I find that I am always hoping, and wishing well for others. The comfort of my mother, the strength to my father, the happiness to my brother, the direction and acceptance to my sister. I find my family so broken in places the wall is so in need of repair who am I to ask for a little boost?
Instead I can only ask for two things I read somewhere in a book. “Keep me healthy. Keep me happy.” Some weekends its the only thing I can repeat over and over again but even that seems like a stretch of things that don’t need help, or attention. Then I thought about how okay so many people were with the thought of me angry at god. I wondered if he too was just as okay with it. As if he knew I needed him not to help but to blame?
Many times I find myself coming back to my grandma and her warm, small, history filled hands. It was impossible for me to go to mass after I lost her. I lost her warmth, I lost her presence and in many ways I lost the life as I knew it. I feel closest to her during that small hour a week and sometimes it still breaks my heart. I can remember the mass and I can remember the way I felt weeks after that. I can remember being so lost.
I want to know if the only reason I believe is because I can’t cope with the thought of losing her. I want to know if I can believe if I don’t necesarrily believe in my church. Where is my god in this new society? Is it in the lack of comfort that I am finding comfort is our “god” the thing we seem to believe in when all else fails? Is there some god where everyone deserves something? Not only the down trodded, or the ones who are the most failthful, but also the ones on the fence?
Part of me can’t help but wonder if someone knew all along that I’d ask these questions, and again that they are okay with that and a little happy I’m asking them.