*sigh* As I have said in past posts, I am or was raised Catholic. Therefore in my faith we learn things like “god’s infinate wisdom” “god’s infinate love” and so much more. Yet like many other victims of anything or anyone who has lost anyone the question comes up,
In a sense I know the old saying “God only gives you the things you can handle.” Or the even older saying “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” At points though I’ve wanted to lay down in the street screaming “It’s not worth having the strength! I quit!” In a sense I guess I need someone to blame, and so I chose my god? I wonder why people like Steve exist, and from what I see at this point of view people like him exist to hurt, to tear down, to shake up, and to destroy. I can’t say I wish he never came, he never loved me, and he never pushed me. I can say though that it’s… not fair. It’s one of the most difficult things and deepened so many other wounds I wonder, is this the end of my story?
In other words, will Steve be my demise? Who else am I to blame besides myself, Steve, or what my parents for not teaching me? My role models for not stepping in? Anyone else for not noticing? All of that seems so unfair to all those people. My parents are wonderful people who love whole heartedly and believe in the good of people. My role models are plenty in my life and they have guided me through many things. And everyone else? Why blame them? Why these people close to me don’t deserve blame but god (?) does I’m not sure.
I wonder why I can feel guilty for blaming god and everyone around me, yet I find it next to impossible to give myself the same kind of forgiveness…If I can’t forgive myself how will anyone ever love me enough to also forgive my flaws…