Me and “The Jesus”

*sigh* As I have said in past posts, I am or was raised Catholic. Therefore in my faith we learn things like “god’s infinate wisdom” “god’s infinate love” and so much more. Yet like many other victims of anything or anyone who has lost anyone the question comes up,

Why me…?

In a sense I know the old saying “God only gives you the things you can handle.” Or the even older saying “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” At points though I’ve wanted to lay down in the street screaming “It’s not worth having the strength! I quit!” In a sense I guess I need someone to blame, and so I chose my god? I wonder why people like Steve exist, and from what I see at this point of view people like him exist to hurt, to tear down, to shake up, and to destroy. I can’t say I wish he never came, he never loved me, and he never pushed me. I can say though that it’s… not fair. It’s one of the most difficult things and deepened so many other wounds I wonder, is this the end of my story?

In other words, will Steve be my demise? Who else am I to blame besides myself, Steve, or what my parents for not teaching me? My role models for not stepping in? Anyone else for not noticing? All of that seems so unfair to all those people. My parents are wonderful people who love whole heartedly and believe in the good of people. My role models are plenty in my life and they have guided me through many things. And everyone else? Why blame them? Why these people close to me don’t deserve blame but god (?) does I’m not sure.

I wonder why I can feel guilty for blaming god and everyone around me, yet I find it next to impossible to give myself the same kind of forgiveness…If I can’t forgive myself how will anyone ever love me enough to also forgive my flaws…
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4 Comments

Filed under Questions, Thoughts

4 responses to “Me and “The Jesus”

  1. Grégoire

    This is something you made me write:
    http://revnost.blogspot.com/2009/01/hill-country-girl.html

    I’m not trying to self-promote, but you reminded me of this story. She had been very badly raped for a long time.

    She was religious too (a protestant, of the holiness/pentecostal variety, I think). I’m not interested in religion; but I think if it helps you, that’s the most important thing.

    She had this skill to just assume that tomorrow would be better than today, and that surviving the present would be the key to happiness.

    I hope she’s happy today, someplace. I don’t dare look, because I’ve read too many textbooks… I guess it’s my own form of faith.

  2. Joy

    It’s normal to “blame” when we are hurt. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Time may change the way you feel but for now, you need to have that something to “blame.” It’s all a part of healing. Everyone needs to do it in their own way.

    Please don’t give up.

  3. Grégoire

    Got your comment, glad you enjoyed it.

    Your writing reminds me of that girl, all those years ago. She was a little bit angry too; but, you know, if there were a god, I don’t think s/he’d be upset at someone for being angry over something like that.

    Being upset, even irrational, is natural when you’ve been hurt. You can go to meetings of battered spouses where people rant and rage about hating all men (or women, in the other case). It’s not that they really do, they just need to express some emotions. Eventually these people put it all into context, and go on to have healthy relationships.

    If there were a god, s/he would want you to be happy, not hurt, and whatever gets you to that place is O.K., I think.

    Be well…

  4. The picture is lovely. God doesn’t give you only things you can handle. Truth is we can handle more than we think we can, but only if we try and want to do so.

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