More than that

As I wrote my last post I couldn’t help but thinking. Scream! Tell him to stop! You don’t deserve that! It’s like I have seperated myself so far from what happened to me that I felt as though I was watching it from somewhere else. I realized that my words sounded sad and what happened to me sounded horrid. I realized that despite my innermost critic and all the bad advice I’ve been given I learned — It happened to me. For real.

I was shaken to my core after writing that. I finally told a peice of what happened to as many people that cared to read. I was sad, so sad. I was upset and angry wanting to tell the world how I didn’t know what love was. I didn’t understand that it was wrong. I didn’t understand that its okay to not take it. I didn’t see the strength in my constant “no” I thought of the what if I didn’t even do that. How much worse would I be?

My winter break has been long and I miss my college atmosphere. I need to go back.

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3 Comments

Filed under Life, Thoughts

3 responses to “More than that

  1. hi. I’ve read a few of your posts… and I can really feel the pain etched into them. I don’t really know what to say… except that, yes, writing about it, talking about it is good for you. It will help to heal. It may be a long journey, because as we think / write / type, other things jump out at as and make us pay attention… but I’d like to think that at the end of the day, its worth it.

    In one of your posts you say that “yes, what happened to me may not be as bad as what happened to others, but can you compare what happened to me with others”. I think that we are all different. And what may have been acceptable to some, may not be to others.

    If you are on my site – take a look at Chapter 1 of the love stories. That was my first boyfriend. It took me a long time to sort through the pain and humiliation of my first boyf… but I’d like to think that I’m there, that I left it behind.

    And you will to… so long as you are honest with yourself, and know, that if you didn’t consent, then it was NOT your fault.

  2. Grégoire

    You can’t blame yourself for anything. It’s hardly your fault, that your boyfriend was an asshole.

    Sounds pretty immature too. That’s the sort of thing I’d expect from a seventh grade boy at his first dance… copping feels, groping girls and acting like a jerk.

    Things like this happened to me when I was very young. (Happens to dudes too, sadly.) I saw an analyst when I was your age and it helped quite a bit. Have you tried that? Just curious. My guess is that your school might have a clinic if you want to try this.

    Once you talk about it, it becomes not that big a deal. Strange but true. Eventually you’ll realize the guy was a common creep, and then you’ll decide he’s not worth devoting any more psychic energy to, and that’ll be that.

  3. I have a feeling that what you wrote about in your last post was only the beginning of whatever this Steve did to you… But even if it’s not, even if he was “only” copping a feel – I can understand where you’re coming from. You thought at the time you should be flattered, he just wants me, it’s ok, why can’t I be ok with it?

    But it’s good that you didn’t give into him just because he nagged. It’s good that you kept saying no. It’s good that you wrote it down and got some of it out of yourself, because eventually, believe it or not, you’ll feel less dirty the more you talk about it, the more you let it out and see you’re not alone.

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