I was sitting in a car. It was one of my good friends car. It was pretty crowded to tell the truth. Two of my best guy friends were in the front seat and me and Marjie were in the back seat. I was dressed nice. Short shorts and a halter top. I looked like you’re average sixteen year old. I took my brand new digital camera out and was taking pictures on ride with Marjie. We joked about how it was probably the only fun thing that could happen in this car. I remember Steve’s mother was pestering Steve about not going or what not. We were all heading to the movie. I remember the car was red, small. The music that was playing was classic rock or something of the sort.
I picked him up and skipped toward him. Smiling ear to ear. He hugged me and snaked his hands around me. My smile faded but his hands stayed. In the car we were crammed. Three in the back two in the front. All of which were considered to be my best-friends, except for the boy who had his hand on my knee. I tried to leave some space between Margie and me, it’s sorta hard and I felt bad. That and who doesn’t want to get close to their boyfriend right? Why didn’t I want to get close to him? He must have got the wrong sign because from there on he was something I couldn’t control that night.
I guess having a car full of people and my best friend next to me is the go head and go. I uh, I remember his hands they were log like mine and skinny. I remember them as they flirted with the line of my shorts. “No” I’d whisper, and calmly take his hand joining in on the conversation at hand. It didn’t take long for him to pry his hand away from mine, and as I tried to ignore it giving no signs of consent he would continue, until I did the same thing this time turning to him and saying “No.” Moving his hand completely out of my lap and into his still holding tight.
The trip was a continuous tug of war between his intentions and my standards. I remember the shakes that would happen. I remember the movie theatre being worse and still being right next to my best friend. I remember that he would ignore my hand and use his finger tips, anything that he could reach and I stood up letting him stand and me walk a few steps away from him to clear my mind. I remember all the times I said no. I remember the trip coming home being just as bad, but he had a new trick. Steve’s mother was extremely upset that the movie ran late therefore making me the “take care of me” girlfriend and so while I held him while he worried about what is mother may do when he got home and how much he hated it there. I instantly moved closer to him. Trying to comfort him. Trying to help. Instead it just hurt that much more.
I remember saying no constantly. I remember the feel of his fingers on the hem of my shorts, my underwear, my belt line, anywhere he could reach. I remember how smart he was to always be around people to keep me from screaming on the top of my lungs “No”. I remember going home feeling scared and lost and sad. I wondered why he didn’t feel like a boyfriend should. I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t love someone so into me. I remember thinking what was wrong with me. I remember thinking about just giving in and maybe it will get better. I remember how I wanted the space from my friends because I felt dirty. I wondered…
is this what love is?