I told my mother…

That. Did not go well. She didn’t mean it and a lot of things are because she’s been through a like situation, but it was horrible. Likewise, there’s been added stress because when I said I had a “bad day” She thought I got a bad grade on a paper, where as I was meaning, I haven’t slept in days, I’m shaking, I haven’t ate in over twenty four hours because I’m afraid of puking, and I can’t stop crying. That’s a difference in language. So there’s been a lot of conflict between us, we were really close before I left for school but so many things happened so fast that well things just sorta got real messed up really fast.

If I cry anymore my eyes are going to dry out so this post might be short. It came down to telling my mom in a car ride and then haveing to run over to a friends house really fast because I couldn’t deal with the silence between us. I left for my friends house and cried for what felt like ever and there seemed to be no light. When I finally decided to come home my father was waiting on ambush mode.

Again he didn’t mean it’s just how he handles things. We proceeded to talk about family and why ours is “superficial” and I stopped eating my dinner, but I was glad they kept talking because I knew the fact that I was picking at my dinner would be the topic if we didn’t talk about Steve. So talking we did. We talked about why it’s so hard for me. We talked about me going to counseling. We talked about how my dad felt like it was partly his fault. We talked about how my mom wanted to kill Steve. We talked till my eyes burned, but that makes it sound glorified.

There was a lot of loud voices as my mother would say “we weren’t yelling” (bull shit). There was a lot of victim words where I immediately felt dirty, ashamed, discarded, and so much more. I would like to say that I would feel comfortable to tell my mom and be close enough for her to understand, but as it seems there are more problems underlying than my problems. The second time (the ambush) went better than the car ride from hell where the situation was ignored and I was silenced. I would consider both a far cry from “help” but it was some type of step right? Telling more people and making it more real? I just want to know though,

Why does it feel like I’m making everything harder instead of getting better? Is this really going to work, because I’m running out of energy to put up with it.

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