I took a shot about, a half hour ago. Alright that’s a lie it was about twenty minutes ago, but it’s starting to filter it’s way though my body. Shot of whiskey alone, that’s so freaking sad. I didn’t realize I became this, but I was staring at the shot thinking of everything and I thought wtf it doesn’t matter it’s one god damn shot. I’m a lightweight so within minutes I was feeling it.
I drink alone. A lot. I don’t drink much, but most of the time it’s alone. Now it doesn’t mean I’m an alcoholic (I’ve drank maybe eight times this semester you compare that to the average freshman in college) it just means I can’t drink with people. I can’t drink around the guy that everyone knows is touchy feely, I can’t drink around the best friend that secretly has a crush on me, and I certainly can’t drink around the boy I just met. Because I can’t let my guard down ever, I can’t not be in control. Fuck. I sound like a control freak.
It’s like once you touch the stove once you do everything to stop it. It other words I was taken advantage of once, so now I take every precautionary thing I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. If I go to a party and just want to not think about Steve, not think about my past, not think about his hands traveling up my shorts, or the last time I ever let my cleavage show. It makes me shake and I have to ask myself “Am I drinking to forget him or am I drinking because I want to have a good time?” The answer is always fuzzy. I’d gurgle half a bottle of whiskey if my parents wouldn’t notice and I could forget what happened to me just once. Just for a night if I could push the “normal” button and not be a “victim” or what ever it is.
Therefore the few times I drink with people I depend on one person, or two to watch me and stay close. really close. Because I turn into a little child that always needs to see their mother to make sure that everything is okay. But in this case the mother is my best friend at school and I am just freaking out about something she has no clue about. My head is starting to spin, and I know tomorrow is the day I’m going to tell my mother. How do you tell one person who’s been through a like situation that you too have? It’s so hard.
It was just one shot, enough to stop the shakes and start swimming in my head. Enough to make my legs stop convulsing and take slower breaths.