Exhausted

And it makes sense why I am, I’ve been running for three years and for the first time I turned around and faced what I was running from. Let me tell you, it’s scary. Really scary. Because now not only do I have to face what I’m running from, but I have to face all the things I’ve ran past, and ran from.

Well since it’s sunday, or it was five minutes ago, let’s talk god.

Dear God,

I’m pissed. I’m royally mad. Not only because you took away my grandma, my moms strength, and let me watch her light fade, but also because of him. Why did you have to bring him in my life? I know I know, I’m suppose to learn some type of strength from this, I’m suppose to learn how to appreciate things, but couldn’t you just have let my shoulder injury be enough to learn about appreciating things? Or losing my grandma? Why does all of this have to happen.. to me? I know that I am the same as anyone else, but why does this have to happen to anyone? Why does this pain have to be so severe? Where is the easy button now? How can I ever love? I feel as though I have lost so many choices. Why does the rest of the world get to choose their fate and I had mine taken from me? I want it back! I want my free will I want the right to choose wrong! I want to stop crying, I want to walk head high and chest out. You took that from me, you let him take that from me. I know eventually I’m gonna have to face these questions like many other, but I sit in your masses and I sing your praises and mean very little of them. I feel as the only thing I am worthy of asking for is happiness and health, and even that seems like stretch. Because I am a wretch, and what does a wretch like me deserve.. I waited for so long for someone to pick me up and love me, but that is too much for me to ask now. I cannot even ask it of you. Instead I’m plowing my own way and facing my own fears. I’d love to say thanks for the help, but I feel like you test too much. I’ll break someday, more than I already have and god? I already feel so broken that there’s no use helping, so just cut me a break. Or forget about me for a few months, until I can gain the strength to question all of this again.

-Your once faithful follower- Me

P.S. I’m sorry… i’ll be back soon enough in one way or another.

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